Returning II

Here I am, making another attempt at returning to blogging.  I have missed this space.

I'm not gonna lie, life feels hard right now.

Life is expensive and our budget on one income (plus a smattering of unpredictable lesson teaching and gigging income from me) is so tight that it squeaks.  I have grown pretty weary of looking at our checking account as it dwindles in the week before each payday and feeling the need to come up with new and creative ways to stretch, re-use, economize, and sometimes go without.  My tried and true tightwad strategies of the past twenty years only seem to take us so far these days, and staring down coming up with creative ways for our girls to pay for a college education that has tripled in cost, on average, since I was a college student, just has me feeling so so so so so so so tired.

M is working so very much.  He took on a new project manager position in April of this year, which meant a sizable promotion and pay bump for him (yay!) but he has really had to work for it.  He averages a 10-hour work day these days, but at least twice a week it's 12-14.  And when he's not working he just doesn't have the brainpower left to focus on family and fatherly tasks as much as he used to.  And sadly, the pay bump didn't work out to that much more, take-home pay wise-- or maybe we are just paying for more things, or the cost of living just keeps skyrocketing, I don't know.  I think it's a combination of all of those things.  All I know is that I'm struggling to get everything that is needed for these girls without dipping into our emergency savings.  Fortunately, we do have emergency savings, so we're not destitute... don't get me wrong, we have much to be thankful for... it's just not easy.  Doesn't emergency savings feel like a necessity in today's world, with the uncertainty of government shutdowns and changing job markets and AI influencing just about every industry?

Anyway, the mental load as a Mama for me is real these days, as a homeschooling parent and curriculum director for four very different individuals, a part-time teacher and musical performer, a chef and provider of snacks for four hungry teens/pre-teens, chauffeur, keeper of the books, calendar and activities director for busy kiddos, home cleaner and organizer (we can't afford house cleaners anymore and it makes me soooo sad), guidance counselor for two soon-to-be high school graduates, college and scholarship application facilitator, SAT test prepper and scheduler, FAFSA filler-outer, college visit organizer, senior picture scheduler, and rememberer that we are out of toilet paper or toothpaste or conditioner.  The stakes feel higher than they did when the girls were little.  And not having my partner able to have his full brain on some of these tasks has been a struggle.  I am failing at many of these things.

There's the constant worry of homeschooling in the background; it's a familiar one for me.  Are we doing enough?  Are they on screens too much?  Do they have enough healthy social interactions?  How can I help them more individually when there's always so much going on for me?  The screens one is especially hard with teenagers, and I feel as if it's a constant battle and re-adjusting of limits and re-evaluating of how much is good and necessary for them to fit in with their generation and not feel isolated, but not suffer detrimental effects.

In my defense, I don't really have a full brain for all of this, as my struggle with insomnia has continued.  The fact that I have a routine about it proves that I'm awake in the night almost every single night these days.  The routine is: wake up between 2-3 AM, try not to get up, count to 500, if I'm still awake and having trouble focusing on counting because my brain is racing, then I get up and use the bathroom, write a few of the racing thoughts down in a spiral notebook I keep on my night table, and read a book for 15 minutes to re-set my brain.  Then I shut my light off and try again to sleep, counting to 500, if I'm not getting sleepy again by 500 I turn on my book light and read 15 more minutes, shut the light off, count to 500 again, rinse, repeat.  Anyway, feeling rested seems to be a thing of my past and the brain fog is real every day.  I'm sure that insomnia has a cause-effect relationship with perimenopause because I never had these issues before about 5 years ago.  I don't know if it's the lack of sleep that is feeding increased anxiety, or the state of the world, or if it's hormones, or our life changes, or a combination of everything.  I did talk to my OB about it and he put me on a low-dose birth control to regulate hormones, and I have been on that about six weeks without seeing much improvement in symptoms.  It's hard to feel hopeful but they say to give it about three months.  I'm pretty desperate for some help there, so send good vibes if you're reading this.

So... these are (most of) the honest struggles, and as you can tell I sometimes get in an echo chamber with my thoughts without a partner around to bounce things off of.

But there are many good things and good times.  I know that every season of life has it's difficulties, but as I look back on my pictures from lately, I know that we have had times of joy and rest and re-connection, and are mostly successful at the things that really matter.

And so, life is hard, and a little overwhelming, but good.  I go forward in an attempt to be grateful, especially as we enter a time of Thanksgiving.  I am enough, right?  And you are too.