Where's Your Head At????

If you rocked out to this song in your college and grad school days, then you're probably middle-aged like me.

And if you're "old" like me, you might have school-aged children, and if so, that's the question you will have been asking yourself and all your fellow parents, for pretty much the entire month of August, about school re-opening and fall schedules.

So, where's *your* head at?

What's your thought?  Where is your school community trending right now?  A full re-opening?  A hybrid of in-person and remote school?  Fully remote?  If your school has decided, what will the schedule be like?  Does it align with your work schedule?  Are all your kids doing the same thing, or are their schools on different schedules?  Do you even know those answers yet?

I know, I know, #firstworldproblems.  I'll preface my complaining by saying that we are very blessed.  M is fully employed and more busy than he has ever been-- his vocation, instructional technology, is one of the few industries that is booming right now.  My gigging has decreased slightly but I'm still able to teach virtually.  M got contracted for summer work to assist with re-opening plans and PD, and will be paid extra for this time.  Our kids don't have special needs and so they can survive and even thrive in whatever school situation this next year brings.  We have plenty to eat.  We have a house to live in and we're certain of being able to pay our rent.  I have been given permission to teach from home for the foreseeable future.  M has requested remote work, and although we don't know for sure yet how his schedule will shake out, we are pretty sure he'll have at least some remote days.  We are all healthy and our extended family is healthy.  I feel so very grateful for these many blessings, and I'm trying not to take any of it for granted.

But throughout the month of August, as the re-opening of schools has drawn nearer and nearer, I have felt this sort of crescendo of stress among our own family, my teacher friends, my friends who are parents, and the education community as a whole.  Now that re-opening is upon us (next week the teachers return and, ten days after that, the kids) I feel as if everyone is at this pinnacle of anxiety, just waiting for the ball to drop.  There are thousands of unknowns and even more unanswered questions, but we're about to dive in headfirst.

A few weeks ago, when the school committee in our district voted for a hybrid model (two days in school each week and three days remote learning from home) we were given only a few days to decide what our kids would do.  The district was offering a fully remote option as well.  After much deliberation over that weekend, M and I decided that neither situation felt right for our family.  We didn't want the kids in school with other kids just yet, and we didn't want them on the computer all day doing remote learning.  And so... we settled on the option of returning to homeschooling.  It felt really good to eliminate the uncertainty of riding the waves of whatever our school district decided, and have the freedom to create our own learning away from the screens to which we had been tethered during the emergency shutdown of schools in the spring.

And so, in our own little family bubble at least, we are moving forward.

I spent a week furiously planning and ordering curriculum for our first six weeks of school.  We spent last weekend setting up work stations and homeschool crates for each girl.  And then, on Monday, we started.

Those are tattoos on J's face, BTW.  Long story there.

I wish I could say that it went swimmingly and everything was butterflies and roses and all the activities I planned were just perfect and everybody loved them.  The truth is... my girls are amazing and they did some great learning and enjoyed the activities about 90% of the time... but there were frustrations.  There was bickering.  There was dawdling.  There were emotional meltdowns from my children with perfectionist tendencies (not mentioning any names especially since they probably inherited that trait from their mother).  

And really, I think I could handle all of that, especially since the "ups" really outnumbered the "downs".  But I think the thing that discouraged me the most was that every day this week, it took every ounce of my mental energy and physical capacity, just to shepherd them through their school and then make dinner.  Not only did I feel that I had absolutely zero time to check over their work (I currently have a backlog of finished papers to "grade") but my usual list of weekly chores (really basic things, mind you, like cleaning the bathroom and sweeping the floor) came nowhere near getting done.  Never mind finishing up organizational tasks that didn't get finished this summer, like purging our book collection that is overflowing our book shelf.  Never mind pressing tasks that need to get done before September like shopping online for dance shoes for those that have outgrown theirs, before class starts mid-September.

And I'm going to add my own music teaching load on top of homeschooling my kiddos, in just a few weeks.

I'm trying to suppress my panic, because it *is* only our first week, and because many of the activities are new to the girls, there was a learning curve and I think they'll be more independent with certain things going forward now that they know the ropes.  But.  5th grade and 7th grade involve quite a bit more than the early grades did when we first started homeschooling.  There's just a larger amount of material to get through, and it's much more complex and requires more practice and real instruction time.  Also, because I'm trying to avoid screens, in my planning I steered clear of things like having them use online tools in favor of doing hands-on projects and written work, which by its very nature involves more explanation and teaching on my part.  And yes, in a perfect world, hands-on project-based learning is what I would want for my children.  But do I really have time for that?  What have I gotten myself into????

Okay, deep breaths Mama.

Ahem, sorry about that.  I'm back.

So, in conclusion... I wish I could say that I feel less anxiety now than I did mid-August.  And I do, about certain things.  But other things about which to be anxious have replaced them.  And my partner in crime (M) is so busy and stressed out working at his own job with school re-opening plans right now that... well... it's easy to feel alone.  Our own talks have been fraught lately with stress, misunderstandings, and a general lack of connection and inability to find the humor in things as we usually do.

The one thing that we have going is that my kiddos are resilient, and they can adjust if we need to change course.  With homeschooling we have the freedom to do pretty much whatever works for us, so I can make adjustments and tweaks to our our plans.  I went into homeschooling with the caveat that we could change our minds at any time and re-enroll them, choosing the remote option if we didn't feel comfortable with them returning to in-person.  Yes, it will stink to have them on a computer all day, but if that's the only practical possibility...

Combine all of this anxiety swirling around and add the exponentially increasing bad news of our world every day, and you have a pretty good recipe for worry.

So, this week has been a daily talking myself down from the ledge, mainly by reminding myself of the joy and wonder of my children that seemingly cannot be repressed, no matter how grumpy I get or how many bad things they hear about.

That's the beauty of children is it not?  Ever hopeful, blind to the biases and prejudices and bad habits of adults, ready to take on the work of changing the world.

I re-read this quote from Anne of Green Gables somewhere on the internet the other day:

"When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla. I wonder how the road beyond it goes--what there is of green glory and soft, checkered light and shadows--what new landscapes--what new beauties--what curves and hills and valleys further on."

My goal for this next week is to answer the question "Where's Your Head At?" with a more Anne-like response.  Many might say that the place for Annes and Pollyannas has disappeared from our modern world, but when you think about it, really, what choice do we have but to fight for optimism?  To shine that light for our kiddos and press on to find solutions to these problems, whether that's what to do about school this year or how to combat global warming?  My kids have shown me hope, so it's my turn to show it back to them.

Pray for us, guys.  We will do the same for you.

xo