1 month update: baby and Mama

I said yesterday that this update probably wouldn't get published until the baby was two months old, and lo and behold, I had some unexpected time today!  The girls all played together outside all morning while J slept, and they were so blissfully happy and content that I decided we would skip school for the day :)  So here I am, rambling at you.

So many things are going by unblogged these days, but that's just the way it will have to be.  It's overwhelming to think about where to start with catching up, so I'll guess I'll just start by telling you the first thing that comes to mind: updates on how we're adjusting, how baby is growing, and how I'm recovering from childbirth and all that.

So, let's start with baby.

J is simply lovely and so precious. I've said it before, but everyone in the family is SO in love with her.

 (P.S. L lost her first tooth shortly after J came home from the hospital!!  Another milestone!!)

She is a very easy baby (I really think it's safe to say that now, after a month, without knocking on any wood!). She barely made a peep for the first couple of weeks.  In the last two weeks she has started having a very mildly fussy time after about 4 PM, but it's nothing too terrible and she is very easily calmed down by being held and walked around (Daddy is great at this job!). Basically by "fussy" I mean she is no longer content to sit in a seat or swing by herself, and needs a buddy to hold her.  If she has that she's totally fine!

For about two weeks she has been going to bed for the night around 7:30 or 7:45 and sleeping through until 2 or 2:30 (sometimes even 3 or, just once, 4!!).  She wakes up for a feeding at that time, then goes back to sleep until somewhere between 5 and 6 AM.  Almost since birth she has slept at least one four-hour stretch every night, and the length of that long stretch has gradually increased to the 7ish hours she does now. Amazing, I know. I'm incredibly lucky.

During the day J nurses roughly every two hours, but as she is getting older in the past week or two she is sometimes stretching that to 2.5 or 3 hours. Especially if we are out and about she will often sleep past her feeding time. In general the morning is a very sleepy time for her-- she goes right back to sleep after every feeding (this works really well for homeschool because we can usually get school done for the day first thing in the morning, with very little interruption from baby).  Then throughout the afternoon and evening she becomes more awake and naps in smaller spurts, winding up to the evening "fussy" time.

We are starting to get our first smiles and coos this week-- so very enchanting!  This is when it starts to get really fun!

As for Mama...

I put together a collage of the shrinking belly... bottom left the night before J was born, bottom right at 1 day postpartum, top right at 1 week postpartum, and top left pic at 1 month postpartum.

(sorry if this seems weird or vain or something, I just like to have a visual comparison for the record!)

Physical recovery from childbirth was pretty easy, given the fact that I had no tearing during the birth, and no stitches (I'm so thankful for that!).  I was feeling pretty normal within a few days, aside from being pretty tired after the 36-hour stretch with no sleep during the birth.  I also had some abdominal soreness from pushing so long (relatively speaking) and so it was hard to lift anything or move around comfortably for a couple days.  But within six days I was itching to get out, and we were on the trail doing a family walk (slash bike ride):

I tried to really prepare myself mentally this time for the hormonal shift that comes after birth-- and it worked!  I anticipated all the "bluesy" feelings I got, and although it didn't make it any easier to feel like I wanted to cry a lot, I at least knew that it was normal and remembered it from the last time around.  I knew it would pass, and that nothing was really wrong.  After about 3.5 weeks the chemicals in my body evened out and I was feeling much happier!

In a way I still feel like I'm recovering, not just from childbirth, but from pregnancy.  The bones still feel a little creaky and the aches and pains that I felt through the nine months have not entirely abated, although they are much less acute than they were.  The main thing I feel is weakness and occasional soreness in the lower abdominals, and pain in my hips and pelvis.  It has been a slow and gradual return back to exercise, but I have done it.  I had my first postpartum run three weeks after birth, and I did one other workout that week.

(first postpartum run!)

The following week I did three workouts, and this week I managed four.  Maybe by next week I'll be back to five, which is more like my normal pre-pregnancy routine, although every week is different with schedules and kids and sleep needs.

My speed is gradually returning, too.  You can see that my first run above averaged a 12:36 pace, and that was on the treadmill-- when I ran outside it was more like 13 per mile with all the hills.  Gradually distance and speed are increasing, and here was my run this Wednesday, average pace 10:27:

The hardest part about exercise is scheduling it.  When I was in my tearful first few weeks, and adjusting to taking care of four kiddos, I tearfully approached M and we worked out a schedule that ensured that he would get all the work time he needed, and we would both get exercise time.  I just knew that I would need it to feel like a strong and powerful Mama, plus I would need the alone time.  So far it is working out great... we both miss a workout here and there but we get what we need.

Speaking of that... let's talk about the adjustment to four kiddos...

Having four kids (so far) is equal parts chaotic and blissful.  Little J bring so much love into our lives, and in many ways this is the best that life has ever been for all of us.  It is also the hardest I have ever worked-- my time is completely taken up from dawn until dusk.  And I really feel like I'm doing the bare minimum-- just barely keeping up with laundry, M does all the dishes when he gets home, the most basic of cleaning happens once every week (if that), and all of our meals are things I can either just stick right in the oven or order from a takeout menu.  (This week I did manage to chop and roast some vegetables for one meal!  Victory!)  I know I will gradually have more time as J gets older and a little less needy, but for now it's kind of survival mode.  In the midst of all our frozen pizzas, though, we all smile and gush and cuddle our baby.  So it's all good.

The kids have all had adjustments in their own ways.  C has felt it most keenly because J's birth coincided almost exactly with the start of away-from-home preschool for her, and with her being the most shy of the bunch it was somewhat traumatic.  Her whole world was rocked and there were lots of tears (and even nightmares) for a few weeks.  But we haven't had any tears at preschool drop-off for a week now, and she is coming home blabbing on and on about all her school activities.  I'm so thrilled at her new confidence... I was even able to leave her in the church nursery on Sunday and she didn't even bat an eye (after years of traumatic nursery drop-offs!!).  I knew that preschool would be so good for her, but it has taken time and hard work.  Her teachers have been amazing!

From the other girls I have seen just a bit more anger and short-tempered-ness in their play with one another.  I hear a lot about how N would like her own room and a cabinet full of things that she doesn't have to share.  We have had lots of talks about how things don't make you happy.  But I'm also trying to just hear her out and let her vent about it, because I know she puts up with a lot.

L doesn't really show much sign of adjustment, aside from occasionally asking for alone time with Mama.  She is *totally* enamored with J and gives her the most love and attention of anyone in the house.  There is rarely a time when five minutes goes by and L has not checked on J to make sure she is comfortable and happy.

(she always covers J lovingly with her purple blanky)

(and shares blocks with her)

For a while, especially as hormones were still evening out, I was having a lot of short-tempered-ness myself with the kids.  M was home from work for three weeks (SO amazing!) and then our first week back to homeschool I found myself rather snippy.  It is hard, isn't it, to have patience with three little people talking to you at once, or needing something, and a crying baby in the background?

After a week of that, however, I realized that there was a nagging worry underneath that was really at the root of my lack of patience.  I worried that we wouldn't get through the homeschool checklist for the day.  I worried that the to-do list would remain undone until kingdom come.  I worried that the house would be a mess.  And so... I decided to let go of all that.  I mean, really let go.  I've been letting go of that to some degree ever since I had kids, but now I just have to completely jettison any kinds of feelings like that, or it will just destroy our family.  I have to embrace survival mode for at least six months, and I have to take joy in that.  I have to remember every moment of every day that life is short, and my kids are growing quickly, and I can't take back mean words.  I have to look for the wonderful and miraculous as my kiddos learn and grow and play, and take delight in that.  I have to overlook the messes they make and their imperfections that I might change.

It is hard for me to do that, and it takes a constant re-focusing, every moment of every day (every morning when I wake up, my mantra is "Don't worry... be happy").  But when I keep that mindset, I enjoy life and I do indeed feel so, so happy... the kind of happy you feel right to the tips of your toes.