Potty Training: The First Week, a.k.a Mommy Wars at the Park
Allow me to preface this post by giving you some background on my potty training history.
I was kind of terrified of potty training N because I didn't really know how to do it, and... well... it just seemed extremely daunting to me as a first-timer. She was about 33 months (3 months past her 2-and-a-half "birthday") when we started in earnest. She was definitely ready. In a few weeks, I learned to watch her for signs that she had to go and whisked her to the potty, and she gradually learned to tell me ahead of time. We developed a routine of sitting on the potty every hour at first, then gradually we had to "try" less as she learned to hold it and go more independently. I learned all the tricks and she was catching on, and so I got over my fears pretty quickly.
I started training L when she was about 20 months old. The main reason we started so early is because that girl WOULD NOT sit still for a diaper change, and after many months of chasing her and pinning her down I got sick of it and just started training her. We had sort of just finished up with N so we were in that mode anyway, and she was showing a few signs of being ready. So we got 'er done and she was pretty much trained a few months after her second birthday. She was extremely quick to learn; she just wanted to be like big sister I guess.
Even when I was so nervous about things with N, I was always kind of insisted on going cold turkey. Once we took the diapers off, they were off for good. I had heard from experienced moms that this method was best, and I quickly saw how confusing it was for my child to be in a pull-up one day (and not have to anticipate bathroom urges) and underwear the next (and have to switch gears and get to the potty before going). And so we didn't use pull-ups (except at night, but as you mommies know, night training and day training are two separate things). If ever we went somewhere during the day, I would just put plastic covers over their undies so we weren't making puddles on the floor of public buildings. But they would still feel that they had gone and were wet, unlike the sensation of wearing a diaper. We also just stayed home for most of the first week or two of potty training, so they had a chance to get the hang of it before we ventured out.
With C things have been different. Not because she isn't ready. She's been telling me since January "I just have peeps" or asking me to change her diaper after she goes (both textbook signs of readiness). But I have been putting it off. I've been super busy with work, it's true, but I'm finding with two older ones in school we're just never home! We haven't ever had a full week where we could just stay home and train. We kind of tried to start doing it during February vacation, but even during those days we had a few activities for which we had to be out of the house. So I ended up using pull-ups for her quite a bit, and for a few months we had been in this limbo of sort-of training, potty-sitting here and there, but mostly wearing diapers. Soooo... not really training, actually.
When we got back from Memorial Day weekend, I decided that we would start training for real, since school was over for L and I was done with work.
Thus begins my story of how this relates to Mommy Wars.
Perhaps TMI but now you've got a really good context going in to my story, right???
As we began potty training with C, I found myself feeling actually peaceful, if not almost happy, when she had accidents. We had put it off for so long, and she was so ready, and I knew that every accident she had was an opportunity for her to learn and get to know her body's signals. I found myself super encouraging with her, always saying "That's okay, we'll get to the potty next time!" after accidents would happen. This did not come as naturally to me with the other girls. I tried not to be frustrated with them for having accidents, but when you're cleaning up your sixth puddle of the day, it's very hard to have patience. With the older two I had less confidence and so I found myself always using the daily tally of accidents as a barometer to determine whether or not they were "really ready". Readiness can be a tough thing to figure out at first... and every child, ready or not, will have lots of accidents. It's all part of the process-- but that was the hardest part of the whole thing for me to learn.
C was on her third day of being in underwear when we went to the playground. This is not something I would have attempted when my older girls were potty training... remember we stayed home in the first week?... but we had a playdate scheduled with L's friend that I didn't want to cancel. I brought along our "accident bag" packed with plastic bags, wipes, paper towels, extra underwear and plastic covers, and of course "green potty" who has been our trusted friend through four years of potty training.
I figured the playground was an okay place to have accidents if we were going to have them.
But another Mom there apparently disagreed with me.
C had three accidents while we were there. I mean, it was her third day in underwear... I certainly wasn't expecting her to stop mid-play at the playground and get herself to the potty on time. But this other Mom saw her having an accident, and said something to me (I can't remember her exact words) that hinted at the fact that I should be chastising C for having an accident.
And then this same Mom saw her have another accident, and actually started to speak directly to C and scold her, right in front of me.
I just looked the other way and whisked C to the car to clean her up.
But I came *thisclose* to giving that Mom a piece of my mind.
I was kind of terrified of potty training N because I didn't really know how to do it, and... well... it just seemed extremely daunting to me as a first-timer. She was about 33 months (3 months past her 2-and-a-half "birthday") when we started in earnest. She was definitely ready. In a few weeks, I learned to watch her for signs that she had to go and whisked her to the potty, and she gradually learned to tell me ahead of time. We developed a routine of sitting on the potty every hour at first, then gradually we had to "try" less as she learned to hold it and go more independently. I learned all the tricks and she was catching on, and so I got over my fears pretty quickly.
I started training L when she was about 20 months old. The main reason we started so early is because that girl WOULD NOT sit still for a diaper change, and after many months of chasing her and pinning her down I got sick of it and just started training her. We had sort of just finished up with N so we were in that mode anyway, and she was showing a few signs of being ready. So we got 'er done and she was pretty much trained a few months after her second birthday. She was extremely quick to learn; she just wanted to be like big sister I guess.
Even when I was so nervous about things with N, I was always kind of insisted on going cold turkey. Once we took the diapers off, they were off for good. I had heard from experienced moms that this method was best, and I quickly saw how confusing it was for my child to be in a pull-up one day (and not have to anticipate bathroom urges) and underwear the next (and have to switch gears and get to the potty before going). And so we didn't use pull-ups (except at night, but as you mommies know, night training and day training are two separate things). If ever we went somewhere during the day, I would just put plastic covers over their undies so we weren't making puddles on the floor of public buildings. But they would still feel that they had gone and were wet, unlike the sensation of wearing a diaper. We also just stayed home for most of the first week or two of potty training, so they had a chance to get the hang of it before we ventured out.
With C things have been different. Not because she isn't ready. She's been telling me since January "I just have peeps" or asking me to change her diaper after she goes (both textbook signs of readiness). But I have been putting it off. I've been super busy with work, it's true, but I'm finding with two older ones in school we're just never home! We haven't ever had a full week where we could just stay home and train. We kind of tried to start doing it during February vacation, but even during those days we had a few activities for which we had to be out of the house. So I ended up using pull-ups for her quite a bit, and for a few months we had been in this limbo of sort-of training, potty-sitting here and there, but mostly wearing diapers. Soooo... not really training, actually.
When we got back from Memorial Day weekend, I decided that we would start training for real, since school was over for L and I was done with work.
Thus begins my story of how this relates to Mommy Wars.
Perhaps TMI but now you've got a really good context going in to my story, right???
As we began potty training with C, I found myself feeling actually peaceful, if not almost happy, when she had accidents. We had put it off for so long, and she was so ready, and I knew that every accident she had was an opportunity for her to learn and get to know her body's signals. I found myself super encouraging with her, always saying "That's okay, we'll get to the potty next time!" after accidents would happen. This did not come as naturally to me with the other girls. I tried not to be frustrated with them for having accidents, but when you're cleaning up your sixth puddle of the day, it's very hard to have patience. With the older two I had less confidence and so I found myself always using the daily tally of accidents as a barometer to determine whether or not they were "really ready". Readiness can be a tough thing to figure out at first... and every child, ready or not, will have lots of accidents. It's all part of the process-- but that was the hardest part of the whole thing for me to learn.
C was on her third day of being in underwear when we went to the playground. This is not something I would have attempted when my older girls were potty training... remember we stayed home in the first week?... but we had a playdate scheduled with L's friend that I didn't want to cancel. I brought along our "accident bag" packed with plastic bags, wipes, paper towels, extra underwear and plastic covers, and of course "green potty" who has been our trusted friend through four years of potty training.
I figured the playground was an okay place to have accidents if we were going to have them.
But another Mom there apparently disagreed with me.
C had three accidents while we were there. I mean, it was her third day in underwear... I certainly wasn't expecting her to stop mid-play at the playground and get herself to the potty on time. But this other Mom saw her having an accident, and said something to me (I can't remember her exact words) that hinted at the fact that I should be chastising C for having an accident.
And then this same Mom saw her have another accident, and actually started to speak directly to C and scold her, right in front of me.
I just looked the other way and whisked C to the car to clean her up.
But I came *thisclose* to giving that Mom a piece of my mind.
Well, that was anti-climactic, I hear you saying. The title of this post is "mommy wars"; you all were expecting a fist fight, right? What kind of a war is almost giving someone a piece of your mind??
Well, those of you who know me best know that I am not the type of person to give anyone a piece of my mind, or even to come close. If someone ever says something even mildly critical about me, I assume that they must be right and I'm a complete failure. If someone ever makes a passing comment about my kids, I assume it's my fault and they're brats and I'm a crap mother. I don't generally stick up for myself.
But lately, I have felt not only a kind of Mother Hen defensiveness about my kids, but also a kind of "I don't care what other people think" attitude. Very very very unlike me.
It's not that I think I know everything about parenting or anything... but I do know what feels right for me and my children, and I've seen that following my own gut about things generally serves me pretty well and keeps us all pretty happy. It has taken me nearly six years of parenting to feel somewhat confident in this way, or at least to say to myself, "Let other people think what they will. Let them judge or criticize. I'm doing the best I can." It's really only in the past couple of months that this feeling has come over me, and I'm not sure what turned the switch, but I'm pretty glad not to feel the stress of worrying about others' opinions as much anymore.
Again, I don't know everything, and I can always learn something from some good advice. It's not that I'm arrogant and don't listen to other people (I hope!) I'm just learning not to take it too personally.
The old me would have driven home that day and ruminated and worried and said to myself, "Maybe she's right... maybe C won't get the hang of potty training unless I discipline her for having accidents. Is she really ready? Maybe she had three accidents today because I'm forcing this potty thing on her and I shouldn't be."
But the new me didn't give it a second thought. I just felt in my gut that C was indeed ready for potty and I just needed to be patient. To be quite honest, I felt that even if I was wrong and she wasn't ready, we would find that out in a few weeks. I stayed the course with a calm confidence.
And here we are, about 8 weeks later... and she's doing really well! We have had only one accident in the past two weeks. And do you know what is even more important than that? C is so proud of herself. She gets so excited every time she uses the potty successfully, and she has so much confidence about completing the whole process by herself (which she really has no choice about, since I am usually busy with another child and just watching her from the next room giving verbal instructions!). That's what makes me the most proud... that I have been able to stay calm and patient throughout the whole process, and trust her and myself even when things don't seem to be going well.
Well, those of you who know me best know that I am not the type of person to give anyone a piece of my mind, or even to come close. If someone ever says something even mildly critical about me, I assume that they must be right and I'm a complete failure. If someone ever makes a passing comment about my kids, I assume it's my fault and they're brats and I'm a crap mother. I don't generally stick up for myself.
But lately, I have felt not only a kind of Mother Hen defensiveness about my kids, but also a kind of "I don't care what other people think" attitude. Very very very unlike me.
It's not that I think I know everything about parenting or anything... but I do know what feels right for me and my children, and I've seen that following my own gut about things generally serves me pretty well and keeps us all pretty happy. It has taken me nearly six years of parenting to feel somewhat confident in this way, or at least to say to myself, "Let other people think what they will. Let them judge or criticize. I'm doing the best I can." It's really only in the past couple of months that this feeling has come over me, and I'm not sure what turned the switch, but I'm pretty glad not to feel the stress of worrying about others' opinions as much anymore.
Again, I don't know everything, and I can always learn something from some good advice. It's not that I'm arrogant and don't listen to other people (I hope!) I'm just learning not to take it too personally.
The old me would have driven home that day and ruminated and worried and said to myself, "Maybe she's right... maybe C won't get the hang of potty training unless I discipline her for having accidents. Is she really ready? Maybe she had three accidents today because I'm forcing this potty thing on her and I shouldn't be."
But the new me didn't give it a second thought. I just felt in my gut that C was indeed ready for potty and I just needed to be patient. To be quite honest, I felt that even if I was wrong and she wasn't ready, we would find that out in a few weeks. I stayed the course with a calm confidence.
And here we are, about 8 weeks later... and she's doing really well! We have had only one accident in the past two weeks. And do you know what is even more important than that? C is so proud of herself. She gets so excited every time she uses the potty successfully, and she has so much confidence about completing the whole process by herself (which she really has no choice about, since I am usually busy with another child and just watching her from the next room giving verbal instructions!). That's what makes me the most proud... that I have been able to stay calm and patient throughout the whole process, and trust her and myself even when things don't seem to be going well.
I hope the trusting and the confidence will continue, in all areas and with all of my children.
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