Reflections of a WAHM
A week ago Monday evening I closed down my online class. I finalized my last grade, and I subscribed to all discussion threads so that I'll get an email notification if anyone sends me a message. And that means I'm not required to visit my course home page ever again (until and unless I get a new course home page in the fall).
Should the renewal of my contract come, and it does seem pretty likely that will happen for next school year, there will be some decisions to make.
I've been a WAHM (work-at-home-mom) before, but never in this same way. I've always taught a few lessons at our house, but it was only ever one or two students-- perhaps 30-60 minutes per week-- and the majority of my other teaching was done away from home. My hours were set each week at about 10 hours (before I cut back my teaching after L was born it was closer to 20), and I was away from home for 9 of those hours, at the same time and same day each week. There was a kind of routine about it.
Teaching online was a totally different experience. My workload depended on the week. On a light week I worked maybe 6-8 hours. On a heavier week it could be as much as 15-20. The only day that was routine was Wednesday, when my dear Momma came to help with the girls and I usually worked about 11 AM to 4 PM. The rest of those hours I had to squeeze into the cracks of free time in the week-- while girls were napping, early in the morning before they woke up, or after Daddy came home from work. Paying for child care would have eaten a significant chunk of my income, making me question why I was even working in the first place, given the other disadvantages to working at home.
What disadvantages, you may ask? Well, you've heard me complain enough about my lack of time to get housework done, and my disorganization about keeping track of the girls' school events this year, and generally feeling behind and stressed out most of the time. But there's also the extreme scarcity of leisure time for me and the inability to do things I really love (like blogging). I had to fight pretty hard to keep up with exercise, which I consider to be sort of a necessity, and even that didn't happen as much as I would have liked.
But more than all of that, I feel like the stress of my working this year fell on my children quite a bit. The uncertainty of my work schedule was tough for everybody. Having me home but unavailable to them was a difficult idea for the girls to grasp, and resulted in some angry and clingy behaviors, and left me too distracted to really deal with them properly. There is something to be said for being completely free of work, and completely present and not tied to a smartphone, and therefore completely able to supervise *all* of your child's behavior, and be the one to offer an always-consistent set of expectations. It's really a full-time job that, in order to be done well, needs an individual who is free from other distractions. I really feel in my heart of hearts that the right thing for me right now is to be as free from non-mothering distractions as possible, especially during these fleeting years while the girls are so little and need so much guidance.
I read an interesting post about the effects of isolation on the SAHM. As an introvert I crave solitude and silence more than anything after a long day with the kids (hence my addiction to running), so I relate a bit differently to this article, but I can certainly identify with the feeling of losing control over one's emotions by the end of the day.
A bit of a tangent there, but something I've been thinking about.}
And so what are the advantages of me working? Why would I say yes to a contract renewal?
Well, there's the financial component of the whole equation, obvi. We can get by on M's income alone, but the budget is super tight. With the extra that we had this year we set some savings and debt payoff goals and were able to successfully achieve them! That feels extremely satisfying, and after another year of me teaching we could be in an even better position financially, which is tempting.
Plus... I do enjoy what I do. It was super rewarding to hear feedback from my students about how much they enjoyed the class. I feel like I have a "niche" in this particular field-- sharing with students my love of music, counseling them as they look to the future, and encouraging them towards excellence. And all from the comfort of my own home. And the hours are totally flexible. I mean, it really is a dream job, if I must be working right now.
What I think will end up happening is that I will settle somewhere in the middle. If a contract renewal is offered, I'll probably end up taking it, but perhaps say no to two sections of the class like I taught this year, and only teach one (less of a time commitment). Or, if I do decide to take two sections, I think there will have to be paid baby-sitters a couple of times during the week, with hours that are consistent each week, AND with me working away from home (taking my laptop to Panera or whatever) to make things as clear as possible for the girls in terms of Mommy's availability. I'd also like to work on a posted set of rules, a behavior chart, or some sort of system that is easily followed and enforced by all caretakers, and again is super clear and consistent for the girls as they transition from one authority to the next.
I realize that these are first world problems and I am extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to work at all, as well as the choice about whether or not to accept that work. I know that whatever my choice turns out to be, we will all continue to be happy and blessed. And I'm really thankful for that!
Should the renewal of my contract come, and it does seem pretty likely that will happen for next school year, there will be some decisions to make.
I've been a WAHM (work-at-home-mom) before, but never in this same way. I've always taught a few lessons at our house, but it was only ever one or two students-- perhaps 30-60 minutes per week-- and the majority of my other teaching was done away from home. My hours were set each week at about 10 hours (before I cut back my teaching after L was born it was closer to 20), and I was away from home for 9 of those hours, at the same time and same day each week. There was a kind of routine about it.
Teaching online was a totally different experience. My workload depended on the week. On a light week I worked maybe 6-8 hours. On a heavier week it could be as much as 15-20. The only day that was routine was Wednesday, when my dear Momma came to help with the girls and I usually worked about 11 AM to 4 PM. The rest of those hours I had to squeeze into the cracks of free time in the week-- while girls were napping, early in the morning before they woke up, or after Daddy came home from work. Paying for child care would have eaten a significant chunk of my income, making me question why I was even working in the first place, given the other disadvantages to working at home.
What disadvantages, you may ask? Well, you've heard me complain enough about my lack of time to get housework done, and my disorganization about keeping track of the girls' school events this year, and generally feeling behind and stressed out most of the time. But there's also the extreme scarcity of leisure time for me and the inability to do things I really love (like blogging). I had to fight pretty hard to keep up with exercise, which I consider to be sort of a necessity, and even that didn't happen as much as I would have liked.
But more than all of that, I feel like the stress of my working this year fell on my children quite a bit. The uncertainty of my work schedule was tough for everybody. Having me home but unavailable to them was a difficult idea for the girls to grasp, and resulted in some angry and clingy behaviors, and left me too distracted to really deal with them properly. There is something to be said for being completely free of work, and completely present and not tied to a smartphone, and therefore completely able to supervise *all* of your child's behavior, and be the one to offer an always-consistent set of expectations. It's really a full-time job that, in order to be done well, needs an individual who is free from other distractions. I really feel in my heart of hearts that the right thing for me right now is to be as free from non-mothering distractions as possible, especially during these fleeting years while the girls are so little and need so much guidance.
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| L with her latest play-doh creation |
{That's rarely the way it works, though, isn't it? Because even if you are free and able to stay home full-time, it's extremely difficult to always be completely fair and diplomatic and "perfect", because after a long day alone with children even the super-est of super-mommies starts to get tired and loses a bit of the ability to successfully manage her own emotions and model calm, mature behavior. Her own needs start to take over and she inevitably needs the help and support of another adult. Obviously that's where Dad comes in, and I realize this year more than ever what a team sport parenting is... and the more children you have, the more it becomes that way.
I read an interesting post about the effects of isolation on the SAHM. As an introvert I crave solitude and silence more than anything after a long day with the kids (hence my addiction to running), so I relate a bit differently to this article, but I can certainly identify with the feeling of losing control over one's emotions by the end of the day.
A bit of a tangent there, but something I've been thinking about.}
And so what are the advantages of me working? Why would I say yes to a contract renewal?
Well, there's the financial component of the whole equation, obvi. We can get by on M's income alone, but the budget is super tight. With the extra that we had this year we set some savings and debt payoff goals and were able to successfully achieve them! That feels extremely satisfying, and after another year of me teaching we could be in an even better position financially, which is tempting.
Plus... I do enjoy what I do. It was super rewarding to hear feedback from my students about how much they enjoyed the class. I feel like I have a "niche" in this particular field-- sharing with students my love of music, counseling them as they look to the future, and encouraging them towards excellence. And all from the comfort of my own home. And the hours are totally flexible. I mean, it really is a dream job, if I must be working right now.
What I think will end up happening is that I will settle somewhere in the middle. If a contract renewal is offered, I'll probably end up taking it, but perhaps say no to two sections of the class like I taught this year, and only teach one (less of a time commitment). Or, if I do decide to take two sections, I think there will have to be paid baby-sitters a couple of times during the week, with hours that are consistent each week, AND with me working away from home (taking my laptop to Panera or whatever) to make things as clear as possible for the girls in terms of Mommy's availability. I'd also like to work on a posted set of rules, a behavior chart, or some sort of system that is easily followed and enforced by all caretakers, and again is super clear and consistent for the girls as they transition from one authority to the next.
I realize that these are first world problems and I am extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to work at all, as well as the choice about whether or not to accept that work. I know that whatever my choice turns out to be, we will all continue to be happy and blessed. And I'm really thankful for that!
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