The Early Days of L

I've been wanting to write down memories of the earliest days of each of my girls' lives, because as most mommies know, sleep deprivation causes those memories to become fuzzy very quickly.  I've written down some memories of N, and a few about the days before C's birth... now it's L's turn.  So... here's her little story... finally finished!  I've been working on this one a while.

L was born during a very hot, humid summer.  I had scheduled all of my teaching engagements to end about three weeks before my due date.  N came two weeks early, and I spent a lot of time when N was new canceling lessons, refunding money, scheduling make-ups, etc.  I didn't want to have to deal with that again.

But then L hung on.  She loved her little warm home inside my belly.  I remember seeing a student's mother at the grocery store a few days after my due date and hearing her exclaim "Still pregnant?? Wow!!"  I was huge and SO hot and just completely ready for that baby to come any old time she wanted.

There was a lot of beach-going (usually with friends along to help) with ankle-wading to stay cool.

But at the same time, I just had N and she was really easy and predictable.  I was trying to soak up the last of the days that I would be able to give her my undivided attention.  I loved on her as much as I could, despite being so uncomfortable.

I didn't really feel any anxiety over the coming months having a newborn or adjusting to having two children.  I figured I had successfully navigated taking care of a newborn once, and it should be no problem to do it again.  It was all in the bag.

Aren't those the times... the times when you think it's all in the bag... that the good Lord sees fit to humble you and teach you a few life lessons?

And then, finally, she came!  We were all overjoyed.

Everything was wonderful in the hospital.  She was "perfectly pink" (as the nurse described her), a healthy 8 pounds 12 ounces!  She came out hungry and latched on right away.  We had none of the breastfeeding troubles that I experienced with N.  We put her in the hospital nursery at night instead of having her sleep in the room with us like N, so we got some good rest.

{Some might call us insensitive for sending our baby away at night, but I did it with both L and C and have never regretted that decision.  New mothers need time (and sleep) to heal and recover after giving birth, and should absolutely take advantage of help from hospital nurses while they have it.  Leaving the hospital well-rested for the crazy days ahead is not insensitive.  It's smart.  Just my two cents.}

And yet, even while I was still in the hospital, I had a vague feeling of unease.  Part of it was exhaustion and pain from giving birth, but part of it was depression.  I had forgotten all about this.  When you give birth, there's a huge hormonal shift-- you're pregnant one day, and the next day you're not.  All of the chemicals in your body are completely haywire.  Even though you should be completely, blissfully happy (and really, deep down, you are) there's this weird feeling in the background.  I would imagine it's like being on some kind of tranquilizer or depressant.  It's completely chemical and has nothing to do with your external circumstances.  You cry for no reason; you have unbidden thoughts of anxiety.  And that feels wacky because you're supposed to be so happy.

So that was the first thing I didn't expect.

{I do remember having those feelings when N was new.  At the time, though, I guess I never made the difference in my head between the real anxiety of adjusting to first-time motherhood and the chemical effects of postpartum depression.}

The first few weeks were rough, but the depression did go away... especially as we started to fall into a routine, and I started finding time to get outside for walks, and the chemicals in my body started to even out.

The next thing I didn't expect was the sleep adjustment.

I had navigated the early days of having a newborn once before, yes.  But I quickly realized, when we brought L home, that N had not been a typical newborn.  N, when she woke up in the night to nurse, would fall back to sleep at the breast (no rocking, bouncing, or soothing needed).  I would put her back in the bassinet next to our bed (no wrapping or swaddling or scent of mommy needed) and then promptly go back to sleep myself until the next feeding 2-3 hours later.

Not the case with L.

It wasn't her fault.  She was doing all the normal newborn things.  I just had no experience with how to solve those problems-- I hadn't realized how easy N had been.

That first night was rough.  I didn't have any kind of newborn-size swaddle because we hadn't needed them for N.  Every time I put L in the bassinet, she would startle herself awake by flailing her arms, and then begin to scream.  I tried to swaddle her in blankets but she would wriggle out of them.  After every nursing session she would be either wide awake or gassy, and I'd have to bounce her or walk around the room with her to calm her down.  She wasn't having any of this bassinet stuff-- she wanted me to hold her constantly.  When I finally realized that the only way she would sleep was in my arms it was about 4:30 AM.  I gathered her into bed with me and slept with her on my chest.  That was how I got the one hour of uninterrupted sleep that I ended up getting that night.

And so there was a learning curve there.  L required a well thought-out strategy in order for sleep to happen.  It didn't just come easily for her.  Over time we worked together.  I learned, and she adjusted.  Things got better.  In fact, by the time she was six weeks old she was sleeping an 8-hour stretch.  (Lest you think I'm too lucky, the 8-hour stretch time lasted about 2 months and then we were back to many wakings in the night.  But L's first year of sleep progressions and regressions is another post for another day.)

The next thing that I didn't expect was that M would have to work so much.

L was born on a Thursday morning, and M was able to take that Thursday and Friday off from work.  We came home from the hospital over the weekend and he went back to work on Monday.  As a result, I found myself caring for a newborn and a 2-year-old by myself, only four days after giving birth.  

(It's funny-- having *only* a newborn and a two-year-old sounds like a piece of cake when I compare it with what I do every day now.  At the time I was really panicked about it though.)

My Mom was able to come back for a couple days later that week, then went back to work, then came back the following week for a couple of days.  The family that she was nannying for at the time had just welcomed their own new baby, so she was much needed at her own job.  Help came and went, and I may have even had more help than some people get after having a baby... but it just wasn't what I expected.

One of the reasons M had to go back to work so quickly was that he was writing his online AP Music Theory class-- from scratch-- that year.  Only now that I am teaching this course do I fully realize what a gigantic task that was, on top of an almost-full-time teaching load.  Neither of us really realized, back when he agreed to build the course, that it would take up so much time.  We planned my pregnancy with L such that she would be born in the beginning of the summer and we would both have time off to make the adjustment.  What neither of us realized was that M wouldn't have a summer-- he worked at least 40 hours a week (often more than that) during that summer.

I can't deny that I did feel some anger and sadness over M's work situation, especially in the hormone-crazed early days of L's life.  Combine that with the fact that I was feeling frustration and failure over having to completely re-learn parenting because N and L were about as different as night and day, and you've got a pretty good recipe for negativity.  I must confess that I directed a lot of those negative feelings toward my husband, even though it wasn't his fault.

It was all a matter of my expectations and imaginings of what life would be like when L was born not lining up with the reality of the situation.

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of joyful and exciting times when L was new, and I was so thankful for our beautiful sweet new girl:

She smiled for the first time when she was only two weeks old, and from the very beginning she was an extremely interactive baby.  She communicated with me in so many ways, and we formed a really close bond.  I think L knew that I needed those little smiles and coos from her!  They kept me going!

I was so thankful for my Mom and Dad in those days.  I went to their house with the two girls for days at a time-- sometimes up to a week-- while M had to burn the midnight oil, and they always welcomed us with open arms.

But there were some dark days as well, and our marriage and my own character were tested and stretched in many ways.

I think all mothers know what it is like to feel you are at the limits of your physical strength-- to feel like you couldn't possibly be more exhausted-- and to have to just press on.  To have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, build a bridge and get over it, as they say!  Because in those moments, there is nobody else that will do your job for you, and it doesn't matter how exhausted you are... your children still need you.  Nothing makes you really "grow up" like facing those challenges.

But you know what?  Looking back, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

It was difficult, to be sure.  But I did "grow up".  M and I were forced to talk and argue and figure things out.  These pressures brought us face-to-face with questions about what was really important to us.  We were able to make some decisions together that led us to a better place.  

I'll never forget the conversation we had one night as I sat in the rocking chair holding a sleeping L, and tearfully explained to my husband that I couldn't handle everything I had to do.

I was shocked that he reacted with joy... that he was happy to hear me admit that I needed help.  I remember a great sense of relief when he told me he didn't expect me to handle everything.  Starting that night we worked together on a plan for who would do what task on which day-- paying bills, laundry, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, shopping, all of it.  We had had these types of "chore charts" and systems before in years past, but this time I was approaching the planning from a position of weakness rather than strength.  I guess that's why it stands out in my memory as significant.  As strung out and stressed out as M was at the time, he was willing to bend and support me in my weakness.  It was a true example of Christ-like love, and we became a team in a new and more profound way.

It's funny, M and I have known at least two couples who divorced after having their second baby.  I think there's something about the pressure of having a "family" as opposed to just one child that really gets to people.  But if you can withstand the test, there is much joy to be found on the other side.

But never mind the life lessons *I* learned...

When I see N and L together these days, I'm so thankful that things worked out the way they did, timing-wise.  I wondered sometimes in those early days whether we had been reckless with the decision to have them so close together.  It was difficult for Mommy and Daddy at first, but the payoff now is that we have two girls who are the best of chums and so kind and protective of one another.  And I'm so very thankful for that!