On Stress (for Mommies)

Disclaimer you should read before going on to the actual post:

Most of the time, I purposefully try not to blog too much about the struggles and trials of motherhood.  The reason for this is twofold... 1) I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, when 99% of the time I feel gloriously happy and blessed that God has given me my wonderful little family, and 2) I know that many family members read this blog and I don't want them to worry that I'm overworked or depressed (neither of which is the case, really).

HOWEVER.  Because I sometimes neglect to talk about the tough days, I don't want other mommies who read this blog to think that I never make mistakes or stress out.  I am not a perfect mom and my kids are not perfect either.  Any realistic person who has raised children knows that it is a job that comes with a lot of worry, anxiety, feelings of self-doubt, frustration, exhaustion, and dare I say a few tears (and not just from the kids)?

So... here I go with a little transparency.  And a post on how I've been trying to feel "good enough" at this most demanding job of Mama.

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I consider myself a pretty calm person most of the time.  My husband tells me I appear calm on the outside almost all the time.  I'd guess that probably 75 percent of the time my internal calm matches my external calm.  A lot of the things that might bother some people just don't bother me.

This can be a good thing or a bad thing.  Sometimes my "don't-sweat-it" nature means that my children will have sticky jelly crud all over their faces for several hours, because washing their faces every five minutes is not at the top of my priority list.  And although clutter does bother me, most days I do pretty well at just letting things build up until everyone's asleep at night, and not caring too much about the mess.  Oddly enough, it wasn't until the third child that I realized that picking up toys more than once a day is a waste of energy.

But some days, I feel like all of the irritation that I've tried not to feel over the little things starts to build up.  I start to notice, and become very annoyed by, the messy state of my house.  I feel anger that the to-do list of projects and tasks contains many that are unfinished or not even started.  I feel disproportionate frustration at my inability to complete these to-do list items without interruption.  I start to look around and see other people's manicured yards and immaculately decorated homes and I feel envy that I don't have the time and resources to devote to all of the things I might change about our house and our yard.  In other words, I sort of "snap".

A "snowstorm" created by my girls one day with shredded packing peanuts-- while I had my back turned trying to be productive at something.  One step forward, two steps back is often the way of the mommy.

Usually, when the "snap" happens, it is accompanied by one of two things:

1) an undercurrent of resentment towards my children, who are (unintentionally) the main reason why a) the house is so messy and b) I don't have the time to clean it up the way I would like.  Heck, there are days when I can't even finish a load of laundry, let alone do anything like a big project. This usually results in a lot of unnecessary grumpiness toward my sweet girls, and then feelings of guilt, and basically a vicious cycle of bad feelings.

OR

2) I feel extreme sadness that I'm not able to "do it all".  I look at other wives and mothers who seem to be able to accomplish so much more than I do with these 24 hours we are given each day, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong.  I feel a vague depression surrounding my value as a wife and mother.  What is the puzzle piece that I'm missing?

And then there are those days when I'm Just. So. Tired. and I don't even want to care about anything other than keeping my children alive.

So how do you deal with this?  Do you just give up on accomplishing anything other than raising children?  Is it possible to feel more contentment in JUST doing that?

Well, yes.  Probably yes.

Here are some of the things I've been trying to remind myself of lately, that have helped on those days when I'm feeling "snap"-ish.

* Don't compare yourself to others.  Yes, there may be other wives and mothers out there who appear to accomplish more... but she may have advantages that you don't know about.  Does she have a husband who works part-time or has a shorter commute?  Does she have less (or older) children than you?  Does she have the extra money to pay a baby-sitter?  Does she have a relative two doors down who provides child care?

(As an aside... I still think there are women in the world who just seem to have more stamina than I do. They can stay up all hours of the night and get things done, or they have an incredible ability to multi-task while the kids are awake.  If you are one of these people and have any secrets to share, by all means do.  Until then, I just won't compare myself to you.  :)

* Understand that raising small children is exhausting.  Even if you've had a good night of sleep (which is not always the case), as a mommy you are working a daily 13- to 14-hour day... and the work is hard and sometimes high-stress.  There will be times (and they may be frequent) when you are utterly drained.  Lately, on those days when I feel like I can't put one foot in front of the other, I have stopped feeling guilty about taking a rest while my younger two are napping.  Although N doesn't nap (and our normal routine is to have violin in the afternoon) she can play her violin while I lay down, and then she never minds snuggling up next to me and reading a book, doodling, or playing a computer game while I continue to rest.  This hour or two of recuperation for mommy can do wonders for the rest of our day.  Many times, it means that laundry piles up or our lunch dishes stay in the sink until dinner time.  But on the most exhausted of days, the trade-off is worth it for me.

* Exercise and alone time are SO important.  I enjoy killing both of those birds with the single stone of going for a run.  Even (and especially) on the days when I don't feel like running, I've just have to get out the door.  It always helps, even if I think I'm too tired or can't spare the time.

* I have to limit my schedule.  It is the times when I try to be everything for everybody, or try to do too many activities, that I end up being the most worn out and grumpy.  These past two or three weeks have been very busy for us-- birthday parties, graduations, end-of-the-year preschool events, a dance recital and a dress rehearsal, solos at church, and two doctors appointments.  Although we're averaging only one event per day lately, that is enough when there are three young kids to get out the door.  It works out better for us, while the kids are little anyway, to have several days in the week with nothing scheduled.

* I need to encourage structured times where my kids help with chores.  N now has a small list of things she does every afternoon, and if L ever skips a nap, she joins in.  Even a small task like bringing the dishes to the sink or wiping the table can help me a lot, and it teaches them all sorts of valuable lessons in the process.  The reward is that we all play together when everything is done!  So far both bigger girls are pretty cheerful about helping... some tasks they like better than others.  I figure as they get older and more capable, their lists can increase, and they can have more of a role in choosing the tasks they prefer.

My cute little helper!

*And of course, there's praying for patience and seeking the peace of the Lord on a daily basis... which perhaps I should have included at the top of the list!

What about you other mommies out there... do you have ways to keep yourself from "snapping"?  How do you conquer exhaustion and burnout?