Reminiscing
I've been thinking a lot today about what I was doing last year on this day, the eve of C's birth.
It was a Saturday. Baby's due date was the next day. M was all set to start his new job-- in just a week and two days. I was worried that baby would wait until after the job switch to come. We had been assured that there would be no lapse in health benefits, and we had tried to prepare for every possibility, but I knew that things would be simpler if our hospital stay could just happen while we were still on the old plan. We had had two babies on this plan. We knew what to expect as far as fees and copays. Hurry up please, little one.
And I was so very pregnant. Not quite as pregnant as I was with L, who came almost a week late, but I was feelin' it. When you're 40 weeks pregnant, even the simplest tasks-- like getting up out of a chair or lifting yourself out of bed-- take a monumental effort, you know. Never mind sitting on the floor to velcro your preschooler's shoes or pinning down a squirmy 19-month-old for a diaper change. Your bones and muscles ache from carrying the weight, and you're having contractions all the time, never really knowing when it will finally be "the real thing". Everyone was so very helpful-- Daddy put both girls to bed every night by himself that week, and other preschool Moms offered to walk N inside and up the stairs so I didn't even have to get out of my car. But I was ready. Oh so ready.
And I was also very nervous and worried about what the future held for our family. I doubted my strength and my abilities as a mother. I didn't know if I could handle being mommy to these three very needy little ones.
But as I said, when you're 40 weeks pregnant, it's not really "Oh please let me be pregnant a little longer so I can think about and plan for how I'm going to handle this." It's more like, "Let's get this show on the road. Trial by fire. Bring it on."
And so, that Saturday (which was unusually warm for January), we called up all our friends with kiddos and met them at the local park. While the children played on the playground and ran the bases on the little league fields, M and I alternately chased them and chatted with our friends. Having friends there was a wonderful distraction from the waiting and worry.
I walked the length of two baseball fields probably 20 times, quite purposefully.
Later on that night, we ordered some Thai food, at the recommendation of my friend Jen who told me, as we chatted at the park that day, that spicy food had kick-started her labor.
And it worked!
Those contractions that I'd been having off and on for the past few weeks really picked up that night. And then became pretty intense. This was it! The real thing.
(Go ahead and read the rest of the story, if you haven't already.)
And of course, when I held my C for the first time, pretty much all of my worry dissolved. From the very beginning, she was a quiet, serious baby who would stare at you with the most knowing eyes. With her {finally} in my arms, I felt unbridled joy, just as I had cradling my other two babies at their births. You see, when you haven't met your baby yet, it's hard to conceptualize him or her as a person-- there's so much that is unknown, and therefore, there seems much to be feared. But when you see and smell and caress that baby, you realize that for every baby, God pours love into your heart tenfold. It's so obvious and happens so quickly that you feel stupid for not realizing it would happen. Within an instant of her birth, I loved C more than I could have ever imagined possible.
And that love gives you all the strength you need, doesn't it?
There were tough times and adjustments for everyone in the weeks after that, to be sure. But compared with the worries I had built up in my head, it seemed pretty easy.
M started his new job and things went swimmingly. I felt so much relief knowing he was happy in his work. We had enough money. My mom was around so much and there was help where we needed it. Even though we still had a huge housing decision and move ahead of us in the next few months, I gradually realized that managing and loving my growing family would not be a problem. It would be a joy, in fact.
And of course, C made it very easy by being so agreeable. She would always look at me with those knowing eyes, as if to say, "I know you're worried, Mama. Don't be. I'll try not to be too much trouble."
And so we all just loved on her and kissed her and held her, and felt real honest joy that she had come to join our family, despite not being quite a part of the original plan.
When I think of the possibility of her not being here, my heart actually physically hurts. As M said to me the other day, "The world sure would be a little more lonely without C around."
And how right he is. I just can't imagine life without any one of those three in that picture.
Maybe I love C so much because she has taught me to trust that God's plan is always right and good and perfect. Thank you C. And thank you Heavenly Father, our provider and giver of all good gifts.
It was a Saturday. Baby's due date was the next day. M was all set to start his new job-- in just a week and two days. I was worried that baby would wait until after the job switch to come. We had been assured that there would be no lapse in health benefits, and we had tried to prepare for every possibility, but I knew that things would be simpler if our hospital stay could just happen while we were still on the old plan. We had had two babies on this plan. We knew what to expect as far as fees and copays. Hurry up please, little one.
And I was so very pregnant. Not quite as pregnant as I was with L, who came almost a week late, but I was feelin' it. When you're 40 weeks pregnant, even the simplest tasks-- like getting up out of a chair or lifting yourself out of bed-- take a monumental effort, you know. Never mind sitting on the floor to velcro your preschooler's shoes or pinning down a squirmy 19-month-old for a diaper change. Your bones and muscles ache from carrying the weight, and you're having contractions all the time, never really knowing when it will finally be "the real thing". Everyone was so very helpful-- Daddy put both girls to bed every night by himself that week, and other preschool Moms offered to walk N inside and up the stairs so I didn't even have to get out of my car. But I was ready. Oh so ready.
And I was also very nervous and worried about what the future held for our family. I doubted my strength and my abilities as a mother. I didn't know if I could handle being mommy to these three very needy little ones.
But as I said, when you're 40 weeks pregnant, it's not really "Oh please let me be pregnant a little longer so I can think about and plan for how I'm going to handle this." It's more like, "Let's get this show on the road. Trial by fire. Bring it on."
And so, that Saturday (which was unusually warm for January), we called up all our friends with kiddos and met them at the local park. While the children played on the playground and ran the bases on the little league fields, M and I alternately chased them and chatted with our friends. Having friends there was a wonderful distraction from the waiting and worry.
I walked the length of two baseball fields probably 20 times, quite purposefully.
Later on that night, we ordered some Thai food, at the recommendation of my friend Jen who told me, as we chatted at the park that day, that spicy food had kick-started her labor.
And it worked!
Those contractions that I'd been having off and on for the past few weeks really picked up that night. And then became pretty intense. This was it! The real thing.
(Go ahead and read the rest of the story, if you haven't already.)
And of course, when I held my C for the first time, pretty much all of my worry dissolved. From the very beginning, she was a quiet, serious baby who would stare at you with the most knowing eyes. With her {finally} in my arms, I felt unbridled joy, just as I had cradling my other two babies at their births. You see, when you haven't met your baby yet, it's hard to conceptualize him or her as a person-- there's so much that is unknown, and therefore, there seems much to be feared. But when you see and smell and caress that baby, you realize that for every baby, God pours love into your heart tenfold. It's so obvious and happens so quickly that you feel stupid for not realizing it would happen. Within an instant of her birth, I loved C more than I could have ever imagined possible.
And that love gives you all the strength you need, doesn't it?
There were tough times and adjustments for everyone in the weeks after that, to be sure. But compared with the worries I had built up in my head, it seemed pretty easy.
M started his new job and things went swimmingly. I felt so much relief knowing he was happy in his work. We had enough money. My mom was around so much and there was help where we needed it. Even though we still had a huge housing decision and move ahead of us in the next few months, I gradually realized that managing and loving my growing family would not be a problem. It would be a joy, in fact.
And of course, C made it very easy by being so agreeable. She would always look at me with those knowing eyes, as if to say, "I know you're worried, Mama. Don't be. I'll try not to be too much trouble."
And so we all just loved on her and kissed her and held her, and felt real honest joy that she had come to join our family, despite not being quite a part of the original plan.
When I think of the possibility of her not being here, my heart actually physically hurts. As M said to me the other day, "The world sure would be a little more lonely without C around."
And how right he is. I just can't imagine life without any one of those three in that picture.
Maybe I love C so much because she has taught me to trust that God's plan is always right and good and perfect. Thank you C. And thank you Heavenly Father, our provider and giver of all good gifts.
Happy Birthday C :)
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