N's Nursing Story, Part 2

You can read part one of N's Nursing Story here.

When the lactation consultant arrived, even she wasn't able to latch you.  I had tried to pump with a hand pump from the hospital, but it wasn't enough to relieve the engorgement that was preventing you from latching at all.  She asked me if I still had the nursing shield, and I said yes and handed it to her.

She promptly handed it back to me and said, "Nope. You have to do this."

She talked me through it, step by step, and watched me, offering verbal instruction only.  There were a couple of fumbles.  I kept trying.  After 10 minutes or so... you did it!  You latched successfully!  And we had done it together, just me and you, my N... with nobody helping us.

That was the first moment that I felt a small grain of confidence as a mother.

You gulped thankfully in long, slow sucks.  Relief flowed through me as I watched you enjoy your first real meal.

I thanked our lactation consultant-- our angel-- profusely.  I know I didn't adequately thank her-- words couldn't really express the gratitude I was feeling (and still feel).  I shudder to think what might have happened if we didn't have this kind of health care, or if you had been born in a different country or different century.

Feeling confident that I could do things on my own, the angel left us in our little apartment, happy and exhausted.

You slept a 5-hour stretch after that-- you were finally full, and utterly worn out from the effort of trying to eat.  Mommy was thankful for that time to sleep myself, because I was pretty worn out from all the worry, too.  After your strength was restored a bit, you awoke every hour until the morning to catch up on missed calories, and I happily fed you using the shield, wonderfully independent as everyone else in the house slept soundly.

We kept on using that nursing shield, and in the first week or two I didn't even think about trying to do anything else.  Then I started attending a breastfeeding support group at the hospital where you had been born.  It was wonderful to meet other Moms who were using nursing shields to assist in feeding their newborns.  Gradually, I learned that most of these Moms were bound and determined to wean their babies from shield use as soon as possible.

Weaning from shield use was something that hadn't even really occurred to me at that point.  I was just happy that we had found a solution that worked.  With everything else that was new to me at that point-- dealing with sleep deprivation, learning to calm a crying newborn, learning to work a car seat, discovering what I needed to get myself and my baby out of the house-- I felt overwhelmed at the thought of adding anything new to the list.  Sure, using the shield was hugely inconvenient.  I had to completely expose myself to use it, so nursing in a public place was tricky, and that left us housebound most days.  The times when we did go out, I lived in fear of forgetting to bring the shield.  One day I actually did forget it when we were going to one of your first pediatrician appointments (30 minutes away), so that by the time we got home you had been almost four hours without eating and weren't too pleased about it.  But for the most part, using the shield worked well for us.

Another wonderful lactation consultant, the one who led the support group, encouraged me to try weaning you from the shield.  She never pressured me.  There were a couple of weeks when I attended group and admitted to her that I hadn't tried nursing without the shield at all that week.  She would just smile and say, "That's totally okay.  Just give it a try again when you're feeling better."  She would give me a few tips for shield weaning, and sometimes even helped me latch you without the shield, if you were feeling hungry during support group time.

I didn't feel at all confident that I could do this breastfeeding thing any other way.  I knew that it was the healthiest option for you, but I felt shock and disappointment that something supposedly so "natural" was such a challenge for me.  Nursing without the shield seemed insurmountable after that scary first night.

Nevertheless, somewhere around your four-week birthday I resolved to try nursing without the shield at least once every day.  There were many, many frustrating moments.  There was physical pain.  I think I can safely say that this was the biggest challenge of my life up to that point.  I had never been met with failure so consistently, despite trying so hard to do things right.

But one day, after about three weeks of trying once every day (you were about seven weeks old), you suddenly did it!  We nursed without the shield twice that day.  A couple of days after that, we didn't use the shield at all-- for the first time!  And the day after that, we didn't use it again.  At eight weeks of age, we finally were shield-free.

And after that burden of worry was lifted from me, I felt the motherly love for you flowing more freely and more strongly than ever-- even more so than the moment I first saw you, if you can believe that.  The hardest experience of your first weeks, my N, turned out to be the most wonderful bonding experience we could have had.  I was so proud of you and of myself.  I knew that if we could conquer this challenge together as mother and daughter, we could do anything.  It sounds a bit silly to say that about a little nursing shield, but it's the truth.

Years later, when you were almost four, we went to a children's museum together.  There was an exhibit there on "children throughout history", featuring play-house replicas, dress-up attire, and toys that children would have played with as far back as the 1600's.  We were enjoying the exhibit, and you were thriving, my N-- learning, playing, and loving your two little sisters. (Would you have guessed in your newborn days that God would soon bless you with two little sisters to play with?  Me neither!)

I was watching you play in the exhibit with L, while C slept snugly in the baby carrier.  Thanks to you and your sisters, I had learned and grown so much since those scared, insecure Mama days four years ago.  I was feeling pretty confident about the whole Mommy thing-- not that I knew everything, but somewhere along the way I figured out that it's okay not to know things.  And every baby and child is different, and each one has something new to teach us, even as adults.

As I was taking slow laps around the room, creating a constant rocking motion so that C would stay asleep, something in the exhibit case caught my eye.  It looked very familiar to me, but it was in a case displayed with baby paraphernalia from the 1700's.  Suddenly, I realized it was a nursing shield.  I read the card beneath the display case explaining how mothers of the 18th century used these metal shields, covered with a small soft piece of leather, to assist in latching their newborn babies.

In that moment, all the memories of your first weeks came flooding back to me.  For some reason, seeing that antique there in that exhibit made me wish that somebody had told me that shields had been used for centuries... that they weren't a crutch designed by modern mothers who were too wimpy to endure the pain of adjusting to nursing.  Maybe I wouldn't have worried over it so much if I had known that my struggles were nothing new-- that using a nursing shield didn't make me an incompetent mother.

But then I re-thought.  I was glad that things happened the way they did.  I needed that confidence boost I got after weaning you from that shield.  If I hadn't been a bit stressed out about it, perhaps I wouldn't have learned that perseverance that has served me so well in all areas of motherhood.  It's a good thing to learn not to give up on something that you know is right for you and for you child.  And I'm so glad you taught me that, sweet N.

I remember lots of other things from your early days, sweet girl, and not all of them are memories of struggle.  Watching you grow into the amazing four-year-old you are right now has been such a privilege.  And it's only going to get better.  I hope I'll have time to write down some of those early memories of you before I forget them.

Not that you're at all forgettable, little girl.  You're very much unforgettable.  In every way.  :)

All my love,

your Mama