Comfort and Joy
So much has happened in the last two weeks. I've been yearning to sit down and write about it all, but I almost don't know where to begin... and how much I should go into detail... and whether I'll have the mental fortitude to express what I want to. Well... I'm going to try, so if I'm rambling or incoherent, I apologize.
In baby news... contractions are happening pretty regularly now. I've had contractions throughout this pregnancy, but now they're starting to get a little longer and slightly more uncomfortable. They are not getting closer together yet, which those of you who have given birth will know is the sign of true labor. Some days I won't have very many, some days they are more frequent, but never have they been closer than about 15-20 minutes apart. On Tuesday, when I went in for my checkup, the doctor checked me and confirmed my suspicions... I'm 1 centimeter dilated. That means from a medical standpoint I'm in "early labor"... however; as my doctor pointed out I could stay at 1 cm for weeks, especially where this is my third baby. So, we could have a baby soon... but I'm not counting on anything. I'm used to this feeling of limbo and always wondering "is this it?" after my last experience with L hanging on until a week after her due date. So thankfully, I feel pretty peaceful about waiting, probably because we've been so busy and I've had very little time to sit around and be impatient! Luckily I finished up with my youth orchestra concerts last weekend, and I have my final days of teaching next week.
No transitioning into this news, so I'll just jump in: my grandmother passed away this week. I can't even put into words what a caring heart she had and how special she was to me and all of her family. She had been suffering from Alzheimers Disease for close to 10 years, and two weeks ago she went into the hospital after suffering what doctors believe was a heart attack. It was such a busy time for us, and I didn't have a free day to go visit her until Wednesday this week. By that time it was pretty clear that her time with us was short. I did feel a lot of sorrow that day, seeing Grammie in an unresponsive state (although the Grammie we all know and love has been slipping away for several years now because of the Alzheimers). It was hard to know what she must be feeling (I do know that she was being well cared for to make sure she wasn't in any pain) and whether she might still be experiencing any of the confusion that had plagued her for many years. I wanted her to understand somehow, even in her weakness at the very end, how much we all loved her and were praying as she spent her last hours. But at the same time, I felt an indescribable peace knowing that her soul would soon be restored... that she would very shortly be fully herself again, and fully in the presence of a love and care that is more perfect than any we could give her. That knowledge gave me a lot of hope. And the girls were very good and patient all day... from all reports they didn't give too much trouble to my mom, dad, and aunt who played with them while I went in to Grammie's room. It helped that the hospice where Grammie was staying had a room full of toys, a kitchen/lounge fully equipped with homemade snacks, and an "art room" with play-doh and other art supplies. We couldn't have asked for a better place to visit. About an hour after the girls and I got home, we got the call that Grammie had passed. I am so grateful that I got to see her one last time. Even as I look at the picture below, it's hard to believe that she's really gone.
I have not been at my best as a mother this week. In my defense, it was M's concert week at school, so he was gone a lot and I had some long days on my own with the girls, all the time having contractions that were just painful enough to make me irritable, and having my mind slightly preoccupied with thoughts of Grammie. I just hope that my sweet girls won't remember some of the grouchier moments I've had with them in the past few days. And I'm thankful that our schedule will be calming down shortly, allowing us all a bit more time for rest.
We've really had a lot to be thankful for, and in the midst of busy and stressful times, there have been a lot of moments of "comfort and joy". Being so close to the birth of this baby, and being mindful of this season of Advent, I have had so many emotions of awe and humility at the miracles of life and death, and God's provision and sovereignty over all those processes. Praise and glory to Him!
**By way of an update: Since I started to write this post a few days ago, we've been getting ready for Grammie's calling hours and funeral today (Sunday) and tomorrow (Monday). Last night, I was up from about 1 to 3:30 AM with painful contractions anywhere from 5-10 minutes apart. But now they've stopped! We decided to stay home today so I could rest after a long night, and see if anything else happens. I talked to my doctor, and again, she said there's no way to predict whether this is "the real thing" or not. We're hoping we can still make it up to the funeral tomorrow, but everything is up in the air. Stay tuned for updates, but keep in mind that we could still wait a while for a baby!
In baby news... contractions are happening pretty regularly now. I've had contractions throughout this pregnancy, but now they're starting to get a little longer and slightly more uncomfortable. They are not getting closer together yet, which those of you who have given birth will know is the sign of true labor. Some days I won't have very many, some days they are more frequent, but never have they been closer than about 15-20 minutes apart. On Tuesday, when I went in for my checkup, the doctor checked me and confirmed my suspicions... I'm 1 centimeter dilated. That means from a medical standpoint I'm in "early labor"... however; as my doctor pointed out I could stay at 1 cm for weeks, especially where this is my third baby. So, we could have a baby soon... but I'm not counting on anything. I'm used to this feeling of limbo and always wondering "is this it?" after my last experience with L hanging on until a week after her due date. So thankfully, I feel pretty peaceful about waiting, probably because we've been so busy and I've had very little time to sit around and be impatient! Luckily I finished up with my youth orchestra concerts last weekend, and I have my final days of teaching next week.
No transitioning into this news, so I'll just jump in: my grandmother passed away this week. I can't even put into words what a caring heart she had and how special she was to me and all of her family. She had been suffering from Alzheimers Disease for close to 10 years, and two weeks ago she went into the hospital after suffering what doctors believe was a heart attack. It was such a busy time for us, and I didn't have a free day to go visit her until Wednesday this week. By that time it was pretty clear that her time with us was short. I did feel a lot of sorrow that day, seeing Grammie in an unresponsive state (although the Grammie we all know and love has been slipping away for several years now because of the Alzheimers). It was hard to know what she must be feeling (I do know that she was being well cared for to make sure she wasn't in any pain) and whether she might still be experiencing any of the confusion that had plagued her for many years. I wanted her to understand somehow, even in her weakness at the very end, how much we all loved her and were praying as she spent her last hours. But at the same time, I felt an indescribable peace knowing that her soul would soon be restored... that she would very shortly be fully herself again, and fully in the presence of a love and care that is more perfect than any we could give her. That knowledge gave me a lot of hope. And the girls were very good and patient all day... from all reports they didn't give too much trouble to my mom, dad, and aunt who played with them while I went in to Grammie's room. It helped that the hospice where Grammie was staying had a room full of toys, a kitchen/lounge fully equipped with homemade snacks, and an "art room" with play-doh and other art supplies. We couldn't have asked for a better place to visit. About an hour after the girls and I got home, we got the call that Grammie had passed. I am so grateful that I got to see her one last time. Even as I look at the picture below, it's hard to believe that she's really gone.
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| Grammie holding baby N, taken a few years back |
We've really had a lot to be thankful for, and in the midst of busy and stressful times, there have been a lot of moments of "comfort and joy". Being so close to the birth of this baby, and being mindful of this season of Advent, I have had so many emotions of awe and humility at the miracles of life and death, and God's provision and sovereignty over all those processes. Praise and glory to Him!
**By way of an update: Since I started to write this post a few days ago, we've been getting ready for Grammie's calling hours and funeral today (Sunday) and tomorrow (Monday). Last night, I was up from about 1 to 3:30 AM with painful contractions anywhere from 5-10 minutes apart. But now they've stopped! We decided to stay home today so I could rest after a long night, and see if anything else happens. I talked to my doctor, and again, she said there's no way to predict whether this is "the real thing" or not. We're hoping we can still make it up to the funeral tomorrow, but everything is up in the air. Stay tuned for updates, but keep in mind that we could still wait a while for a baby!
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